becoming our best self: confidence, curiosity & change in my old ass (2024)
This post is the second in a two-part series reflecting on the film My Old Ass. Check out the whole series.
Welcome back to the second post in my series discussing the film My Old Ass. Last week I talked about how this film prompted me to re-examine inner child work because of the importance of indulging our young, dumb selves sometimes. This time I’ll be digging into how Elliott, the main character, embodies qualities that help us be our best self: being confident in who we are while also being open to change.
a quick recap of my old ass
My Old Ass is a coming-of-age film in which the heroine, Elliott, does mushrooms and hallucinates her future self. The two Elliotts manage to stay connected even after the trip is over, and Future Elliott gives her younger self advice about how to live her best life. For a longer synopsis, along with how the younger Elliott schools her older self, check out my first post in this series. There are some low-key spoilers coming in this post, head’s up.
why openness to change matters
a therapist’s lens on readiness-to-change
As a therapist, I keep a close eye on whether my clients seem open to change. There’s even an official term for it that therapists are taught to look out for: readiness-to-change. No matter how good a therapist I am, if my client isn’t ready to change, change isn’t going to happen. The client has to be the one to decide if they want their life to look different.
Sometimes fighting change helps us feel safe and like we have control when the world around us is chaos. If you’ve got enough going on in your life, maybe keeping things exactly as they are is what you need. But it’s still something about which I am mindful because if someone is paying me to help them change, I need to check in with them if they give me the impression they aren’t actually ready to do so. I share this behind-the-scenes information to say that I spend a lot of time trying to parse out the difference between saying you want to change and actually being open to it.
elliott’s authentic confidence
It’s inspiring to see someone like Elliott decide they’re ready, and she teaches us so much about how to get at this openness. She is somehow so confident and sure of herself, while also being completely open to the self-examination that leads to change. It’s an authentic confidence. It’s not the kind of confidence I associate with narcissism which often feels like a person’s ego is a delicate, fragile thing hiding behind a curtain of confidence.
When we’re comfortable with who we are, it feels safe to be curious about whether there are ways in which we can see things differently because we’re already coming from a place of safety. It’s a bit of a paradox: the more we’re able to feel fine with who we are, the easier it is to become the next, equally authentic version of ourself. This kind of flexibility means that we’re not rigidly clinging to who we think we should be. We recognize and accept ourselves as we are moment to moment. Then, when certain manners of being aren’t working, we can make a change without feeling like our sense of self is being threatened.
sexuality, self-discovery, & the bravery of curiosity
There’s no better example of Elliott juggling both her confident sense of self and moving toward change than in her pursuit of Chad, the film’s love interest. We know from the get-go that Elliott identifies as queer. And her future self’s mysterious warning to stay away from Chad tells us, as the audience, that Elliott is almost certainly also attracted to men. But it turns out, young Elliott wasn’t in on the information that she’s into men. Part of her self-exploration is having the realization that she’s not gay, she’s bi or pan. After I understood her internal conflict, I was struck by her bravery in being so willing to be curious about her growing connection to Chad.
It’s a scary journey for her. After an awkward, movie-perfect first kiss in her boat, she panics and jumps out of the boat at the next dock–leaving Chad with her boat–and tells him she has a dentist appointment. “Do you have your boating license?” she asks. “No?” he responds. “Ok!” she says. And off she goes, hiding in the woods nearby, trying to get her future self on the phone to talk her down.
the bieber of it all
sense of self & change & not needing to choose
When her future self isn’t answering her calls, Elliott decides to try another mushroom trip since that’s how she connected with her future self initially. But this time, future Elliott doesn’t show up, imaginary Chad does. What follows can only be described as an utter delight of a mushroom trip where she serenades Chad to the Justin Bieber song “One Less Lonely Girl.” Please enjoy the clip I found (which sadly cuts before she brings imaginary Chad on stage, but now you have a reason to watch, or re-watch, the movie).
As imaginary Chad explains to us, when Elliott was a little girl writing in her diary, daydreaming about the song “One Less Lonely Girl,” she wasn’t daydreaming about Justin Bieber singing to her. She was daydreaming about being Bieber, being the person to bring roses to her lonely girl. Elliott singing this song to Chad in her mushroom brain basically sums up everything I’m getting at: Elliott is still exactly who she is at her core, but she is opening up to the possibility that the person she desires is different than she expected. She doesn’t have to sacrifice wanting to be Bieber, so to speak, in order to be with Chad. In her friend Ro’s words, “Just cus you like a man doesn’t make you any less queer.”
the vulnerability of change
being ready doesn’t mean it isn’t scary
Being open doesn’t mean the exploration is easy, for Elliott or for any of us. She has to wrestle with what her attraction to Chad means: “I’ve just always been so sure that I was only into women. Like it’s never been even a thought for me. I’ve just…I’ve just always been into women. But I…just when I’m with him. Like. Dude.”
The scene in which Elliott finally tells Chad how she feels is pretty perfect for lots of reasons. It scratches that itch for romantic tension and resolution. It’s very satisfying. But as an adult watching it–or perhaps as a therapist–I could feel how hard and vulnerable the conversation was. I could feel the leap she was working up to making, wanting and fearing it at the same time. Being ready for change doesn’t mean it’s not scary or risky, even for the most confident among us. But make the leap she does. And she’s still the same Elliott on the other side.
a realistic epilogue
knowing the risks & choosing growth anyway
I think my last thought was a pretty good stopping point, but I have an epilogue because I feel an urge to address the parts of us that want to say “But it’s a romance movie, of course there’s a happy ending. It’s not real, it wouldn’t work out that way for me if I decided to try change for myself.” In my last post about My Old Ass, I talk about the reason Future Elliott tries to warn her young self away from falling for Chad. She has her reasons. Heartbreak is coming. And even with the knowledge of what’s coming, Elliott still remains steadfast that change was right for her. It’s hard not to feel inspired by her.
moving on
If you’re a young person questioning your sexuality, I love Out Youth, which is an Austin nonprofit for queer kids and their allies. Whoever you’re into, however you identify, I’m honored that you’re here.
If you’re on your own weird journey, trying to figure out if change is what you’re after, I’d love to talk to you.
Until next time, happy holiday season if you’re celebrating. If not–thanks for reading and many happy returns, whatever you’ve got going on.
Thank you for reading! I’m Trina, and I’m a therapist in Texas. I wrote this post myself using my own words and ideas. I used AI to help me optimize titles, headings, keywords, and meta descriptions for SEO purposes. AI also gave me some tips on how to share this post on social media. I will always let you know if/when/how I use AI in my blog posts.
If you’re in Texas and looking for a therapist, give me a shout. I’d love to learn more about you and your story.
