loving someone who struggles with addiction: reflections on the film vengeance
how movies & media can help us talk about therapy
I’ve been wanting to start writing blog posts for my website for some time, but I have a hard time deciding whether I’m the right person to educate people about some of the issues and concerns I see in the therapy room. But I do love movies! And TV shows and podcasts! The reasons that people seek therapy show up everywhere in media, so I thought it might be interesting to put these issues in context instead of trying to explain subjects that are already well-explained elsewhere.
This post is the first of—perhaps, hopefully—many wherein I’ll discuss media that got my wheels turning about therapeutic concerns that interest my clients and me. Today’s post will center around loving someone who struggles with addiction, which is a very common issue among my clients.
spoilers ahead!
The first film I’ve chosen is one that flew under the radar when it came out, so you may not have seen it. It’s BJ Novak’s directorial debut Vengeance. Maybe a more well-known film would have connected with folks more easily, but the thought of discussing this film made me so excited! I think it’s a beautiful and surprising story, and it’s also very funny. I watched it in the theater when it came out in 2022, and it’s one of the few films I’ve ever seen that left me completely stunned when the credits rolled. (Another notable film that gave me that feeling was Calvary which I hope to write about eventually.) I had to sit in my seat feeling a little blindsided for a while before I could get up and leave.
If I’m drawing you in, it might be worth a watch before reading my thoughts. Everyone I’ve suggested it to has at least liked it, if not loved it. Maybe you would, too. In any case, head’s up: spoilers coming your way!
trigger warnings
The film Vengeance touches on issues of addiction, overdose, and death. My discussion of the film will also include these topics. Take care.
film synopsis: vengeance by bj novak
Journalist and wannabe podcaster Ben Manalowitz is living his best life in New York City. He has the blue checkmark, he writes for New York Magazine, his phone is filled with phone numbers of random hookups he can text for sex whenever he’d like. Then he gets the middle-of-the-night phone call that changes his life: his girlfriend Abilene Shaw has died of opioid overdose. Ben doesn’t have a girlfriend. But he did sleep with a woman named Abby a few times.
Out of a feeling of obligation to Abilene’s family, Ben joins them for her funeral in rural west Texas. He quickly realizes he has stumbled into an incredible story, perfect for a podcast, because the family reveals they do not accept overdose as cause of death. They believe, without a shred of evidence, she has been murdered. And now the family wants Ben to help them avenge her death.
when someone you love struggles with substance abuse
the stigma of addiction revealed
The mental-health-related issue that stands out to me most in this film is the experience of loving a person who engages with substance abuse. There are millions of people who love someone who struggles with addiction. It’s so widespread it’s hard to find someone who doesn’t, so maybe you’re among the millions. For this reason, I found it heartwrenching that Abilene’s family and friends spent almost the entire film denying that she had ever used. Over and over again they said she “never touched anything so much as an Advil.”
“Drugs was something Abilene did. It’s not who she was.”
After the reveal, Abilene’s brother Ty said the following to Ben about their investigation into her death: “I thought you wouldn’t do this with me if you knew she was using….Drugs was something Abilene did. It’s not who she was.” Her family knew what many of us know: when a user dies, our culture says it’s their own fault. It’s almost as if we’re supposed to believe these loved ones’ deaths matter less, that the impact is less meaningful.
addiction can’t erase the love in a life
As the viewer of the film, we got to be with Ben when it was revealed that Abilene was a “huge pill-popper,” in her Granny’s words. Sure, the reveal probably made for more interesting timing cinematically, but it also allowed us to see Abilene for who she was, without the immediate bias imbued by her addiction. We weren’t burdened by questioning whether her death mattered, we knew it mattered. What a gift that we, and Ben, got to know and love the Abilene her family knew and loved.
I loved seeing so many snippets of Abilene’s life with her siblings yet only the smallest glimpse into the part of her story that revolved around her struggle. It is, of course, so important to show the mundane reality of addiction so that we can see the truth in the suffering it causes. But it’s such well-trod territory on screen. In Vengeance, we get to see photographs and videos of Abilene hugging her sisters and singing with her brothers. And we get to learn that her youngest brother sleeps on her floor because he’s afraid of ghosts. So much of what we see of Abilene centered around her relationships, and it turns out she was a gifted musician as well.
Abilene Shaw being hugged by her sisters KC & Paris
My favorite detail about her was that she read the entire Harry Potter series to her friend on the phone each night during middle school because he wasn’t allowed to read it. With just that one anecdote, I was flooded with the knowledge that Abilene was a loyal friend, subversive when she deemed it right, and that she loved to read. Sometimes addiction can become such an all-encompassing part of a person’s story that we forget the beautiful simplicity of the life surrounding it.
why compassion should replace blame
“I think people don’t do drugs for no reason. They do drugs because they’re in pain.”
There is something very Texan about the determined manner in which Abilene’s friends and family protected her in death: it almost has an air of defiance, daring anyone to suggest that she should be anything other than beloved. Abilene’s mother, Sharon, summed up the experience of addiction best when she says “I tell you what I think: I think people don’t do drugs for no reason. They do drugs because they’re in pain.” We don’t really know why Abilene used. But we do know that the people who loved her and knew her best did not see this behavior as a moral failing, which is different from the way addiction is viewed by our culture at large.
resources, other media, & final thoughts
I could talk all day about this movie, so I’m breaking up my discussion of it into a few posts. My next post about Vengeance will focus on grief and letting go of the need to be right, and a third post will discuss the theme loss of innocence. For now, I’ll wrap things up and share some resources that may be helpful for anyone who felt impacted by this post.
resources for support
Al-Anon for those who have a loved one struggling with substance abuse or addiction
SAMHSA for substance abuse and mental health support, including grief and bereavement
Another movie about loving someone with addiction is Super, which I will perhaps write about one day. Big time trigger warning with this film–very funny, very troubling. Also very weird.
Thank you for reading! I’m Trina, and I’m a therapist in Texas. I wrote this post myself using my own words and ideas. I used AI to help me optimize titles, headings, keywords, and meta descriptions for SEO purposes. AI also gave me some tips on how to share this post on social media. I will always let you know if/when/how I use AI in my blog posts.
If you’re in Texas and looking for a therapist, give me a shout. I’d love to learn more about you and your story.
